I think it's so true what the bible says about the human heart. It's an evil thing. I mean, think about all the negative things humanity has done for satisfying the desires of our heart: adultery, betrayal, murder, etc. Even I sometimes am appalled at my own thoughts towards others. Sometimes, I purposefully try to make someone feel bad out of spite. Sometimes, I am jealous of my friends' accomplishments. However, I know this applies to everyone because NO ONE is perfectly nice. No one is a saint. Everyone is a sinner--except Jesus Christ.

I think Greg Laurie's devotion today hit home.

Don't Trust Your Heart

	"For from the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, all sexual immorality, theft, lying, and slander."

—Matthew 15:19

How often do we hear the word "heart"? It's a word that we seem to use constantly. If we are sad, we say that we are heartbroken. If someone is insensitive, we say they are heartless. If someone is very emotional and quick to express the way they feel, we might say they wear their heart on their sleeve.

When we speak of the heart, we are often referring to our emotional center. And we usually frame it along the lines of, "Well, my mind is telling me one thing, but my heart is telling me another."

Princes Diana once said, "Only do what your heart tells you."

Let me just say that you should not let your heart tell you what to do, because your heart can mislead you. A lot of crazy things have been done in the name of doing them from the heart. The heart wants what it wants, and many times, the heart wants the wrong things.

Here is what the Bible says about the heart: "The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?" (Jeremiah 17:9). And Jesus said, "For from the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, all sexual immorality, theft, lying, and slander" (Matthew 15:19).

So instead of talking about our heart being broken or doing what our heart is telling us to do or wearing it on our sleeves, Jesus tells us to use our heart—as well as our mind and our soul—for what they were created for: "You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind" (Matthew 22:37).

So we should not focus on our hearts as much as we should focus our hearts on God

Tim Be Told - Analyze - (Official HD Music Video)

This song has been on repeat for the last hour or so. I'm loving the intro with the piano and the powerful entrance of the whole band. I love the lyrics, the voice of the lead singer, and the melody! The melody, along with the whole video/lyrics all resonate hope!

I also love how the majority of the band is Asian, especially the fact that the lead singer is! Go Asian Americans! =) We don't rule mainstream, but we sure do rule Youtube.

Family Above All

My two favorite pictures of the moment. This picture also documents my brother's first time wearing formal wear. I love this picture so much because it shows how adorable my family is. My brother is trying to look all tough and hard, my dad doesn't seem to know how to smile, and my mom tries to act cute with her thumbs up, oh and of course my dumb dog Wawa. Lol. I love the random laundry basket to the side as well.

Can't wait to see them soon!

EXHAUSTED to the CORE!

WHEW!

after a WHOLE DAY of NONSTOP busyness, i'm FINALLY back in Davis at my NEW apartment! kinda relieved, but stressed at the same time. stressed because my work wants me to start ASAP, but i still gotta turn in paperwork....which includes my social security card that i left in LA!

=( le sigh..

i gotta get it mailed to me and then head to woodland to turn everything in before i can even start. hope my work will be okay with it......dear God, help please.

other than that, i gotta unpack everything which is ALWAYS stressful and annoying. i never realized how much CRAP i have, AND worst yet, i think i brought back too much clothes! gah! :( sigh. it's okay though because it's my LAST quarter in Davis. i can FINALLY move back home. after this whole grandma dying suddenly incident, i've come to grow closer to my family ... hardships really bring people together. i think, experiencing life together strengthens relationships, which is why the Oaxaca group is so close. anyhow, i really miss my mom and my brother, and of course, wawa. i also miss my dad, but i've realized that he nags a LOT. for a person who visits for 2 weeks every 3 months or so, he nags a LOT! it drives my brother and i insane. i can't imagine people who live with nagging parents 24/7!

anyways, today, i woke up and finished packing. then i started cleaning my room so that my mom wouldn't have to do it since we are changing the floors while i'm in Davis. so i cleaned up as much as i could, then caught my flight. Liz was gracious enough to pick me up from the airport. it was so nice seeing her again after such a long time. i love just catching up with old friends! after i arrived at my apt, i immediately had to leave to pick up the rest of my stuff from my roommate's friend's place since we had to leave it there after our previous lease ended. we were in this limbo situation where we had no place to stay for 2 weeks. it was horrible. luckily we got a place with my friend Skye, but her cat ended up peeing on my pillow and blanket. after getting our stuff, i had to get water, but liz was hungry so we ended up eating first and then getting groceries. i came back after and organized a little...which resulted with me shattering two of my favorite cups on the floor =( ... sigh. AND, i realized that i lost or "misplaced" the plug for my water heater. so sad...that water heater was expensive too! dear God, please help me find it!!!

now i'm just exhausted. it's 2am and i don't know why the heck i'm blogging, but i am. i have class tomorrow too! hope all is well...i'm ready for you fall quarter!!!!!!! last quarter! let's do this!

It is Finished!

had a foot/head/and back massage for the first time with my family! it was the perfect way to end a hectic day..

recap:

grandma's funeral, rushed home due to my mom's sudden elevated blood pressure, missed my grandma's burial ceremony thing..whew.

anyhow, it's done. my grandma's officially buried. it's amazing how this all happened in a span of less than 2 weeks. my grandma's death, planning her funeral, then repainting our whole house ... time really flew. but now, it's all done.

now, after a relaxing .. and painful...massage, i'm ready to face the new quarter.

Brighter Days!

currently loving my new life! a lot more quality time spent with the family (aka: mom + dad since he's back)! a lot less stress that comes with the responsibilities of caretaking my grandma. now, i know my grandma barely died a little over a week ago, and it may seem morbid and heartless to the world that i am so happy now, but i guess as a Christian, it's just knowing that she is TRULY in a better place and having a better time that makes me free guiltless being so happy =) most importantly, the hope that someday, i will see her again. it's not goodbye...it's see you later!

my mom has also decided to revamp our house. it is currently being repainted. my room has been painted a lovely shade of mauve. i didn't choose it. i wish i chose my color, but i actually find it a nice classy color. the main color of the house is green--light green to be specific with pops of darker green on some walls to give it that 3D feel. it's amazing how a little paint can totally transform the ambiance of our house. it's feel so much warmer and so elegant. my brother said, "it feels like i'm white." hahaha. i guess it is true. asians don't usually repaint their house...or most of the ones i know. the younger, hipper ones are a different story. it is usually caucasians that repaint their walls. haha. my brother has opted to color his room a bright light blue. it makes me feel like i'm in a 5 year old's room. my mom says that it makes her feel like she's "unda tha sea." possible decor may include 1) a spongebob clock 2) glow in the dark fishes 3) drawn in seaweed.

i'm also loving the fact that i can catch up with so many old friends. i've recently met up with Jessica Cheng right before she embarked on her medical adventures in Zimbabwe! it's funny because one of my dreams is to go to Africa for a medical trip or something...funny that she's going. on a not very related, but kind of related note...i'm worried about medical school. i've heard so many people who are so much more qualified than i am not making it into ANY schools. what makes me think i can stand a chance against them if they have more research, more experience, better writing, and better grades? :\ sigh. prayer prayer prayer!

going back to school on Sunday! i'm sad, but it's my last quarter. gotta do my best. workout, lose 10lbs so i can fit into clothes better lol, study, work, pray! let's do this!

adapting

i still can't believe my grandma passed away yesterday. she's gone...forever...it's still such a shock to me. i'm not used to this quietness that's supposed to be filled with the deafening sound of her tv dramas. i'm not used to hearing her voice, and seeing her...definitely not used to the fact that we don't have to worry about her when we go out demonstrated by our dinner at Buca tonight. i dunno if that was appropriate, but my mom was hungry, and we saw that on the way.

perhaps the biggest difference from what i'm used to is the sudden enormous amount of free time we as a family have now. the biggest effect has been on my mom of course whose life was literally chained to my grandma's. she doesn't really know what to do next. i hope everything will be okay. this house we are living in right now is pretty big for just 3 people .. we do have tenants of course, but family-wise, it's just us 3 now. well, 2 when i leave for davis. i just hope my mom won't be too lonely. i hope my dog will be of use to her too. lol.

i'm mostly doing a whole lot better now. just sometimes, it hits me and i'll burst out crying, but i gotta stay strong. after all, my grandma is with Jesus now, and that's the best thing that can happen to her! my mom told me she saw a vision of her last night. she saw my grandma young and beautiful dressed in a pink dress. she was skipping and dancing, her face full of joy to a blurrier figure that seemed to be the Father. He was welcoming her home.

i just hate to think that i could have been a better granddaughter. i remember when she'd do number 2, i would be so annoyed and impatient with her when i had to clean/wipe her. if i was her, i'd be so hurt. first of all, exposing myself with no dignity and then treated that way by her own family. it just makes me feel terrible inside. i regret acting this way. but, i know, it's all too late for regrets now. there's absolutely no use for them anyways.

i wish i told her i love her. despite being annoyed of her most of the time, i did love her. or else, i wouldn't be this sad...i'm just happy that she's relieved now and she's having a good time. i hope she gets to eat whatever she wants because on earth, she wasn't able to. my grandma suffered a lot. she deserves a rest. i just hope i get used to this soon...i hate this empty feeling inside...i miss her. i miss her presence even though it stresses me out. i miss my grandma

Life is fleeting

today has been such a whirlwind...but, to get to the point...my grandma passed away. to be honest, i've been imagining this day for a long time...even hoping for it to come so that my family (mainly my mom) could enjoy life more, but, it still was difficult to accept. it just all came so sudden. some deaths are anticipated...the family knows it's coming, but others, like my grandma's come out of nowhere. those are the worst because it just leaves such a sense of regret and a lot of "if only.."

my grandma was completely fine this morning, according to my mom..i woke up late. when i woke up, the house was empty. i thought everything was fine...even walked my dog and anticipated a fun day with my friends. i called my mom to ask where they were and all she told me was that she was at the doctors for my grandma..which is typical, so i didn't think much. i called her again to tell her that i was going out with my friends, but she told me that i couldn't go because i had to take my brother to the dentist since my grandma was in the hospital. anyhow, i ended up going to eat anyways just because i figured the dentists had to eat lunch too. so after everything, i drove my brother and i to the hospital. my grandma had been admitted and transferred from the ER to a bed already. i saw her in great distress and pain vomiting up yellowish brown liquid. the doctor comes in to tell us that she has a small bowel obstruction, that she will need a tube inserted into her intestines to open up the passage. before he left, he told us that it wasn't a serious case.

my grandma was very crazy. she was in so much pain that she wasn't listening to anybody. she was very resistant to everyone and wanted nothing more than her pain meds. she continued to vomit a lot after the tube was inserted, but she was conscious. after we all ate, i went home to shower to switch shifts with my mom. i came back and saw my grandma asleep so i was using the computer. she seemed to toss and turn a lot in pain...so i made sure that her IV wouldn't move..but i dont know, maybe i wasn't paying close enough attn, but i didn't see that she had pulled part of her tube out already. the nurse came in and saw and i helped him re-insert it for her...during this whole time, she was still alive...i felt like she was half conscious though because throughout this whole time, her eyes were shut. during the re-insertion, she made a little gargle sound and then stopped resisting...she seemed to be asleep sitting up with her mouth opened...so i didn't think much. i just resumed using my computer, but i remember looking at her and thinking how scary and lifeless she looked. i believe at this time, she was gone already...

the nurse then comes in again and then attempts to take bp. i am not really paying attn at this time because i still think she's aslp. the nurse then calls her, "nai nai, nai nai.." and i see him trying to get a pulse everywhere...i STILL think she's asleep so i try to wake her..."nai nai!" i call continuously. there's no response..the charge nurse then runs out and i then realize that probably somethings wrong, but i never suspect death. i'm too scared to. the charge nurse comes in and they discuss and calls a code blue. at this point, i'm like "OH SHIT." all these nurses rush in and they all stare at me. i feel like they're judging me...like it's my fault. i tell them, "i thought she was asleep," but i feel like they're staring at me like i'm lying. they urge me to go outside, and at this point, i'm hyperventilating...i call my mom and i choke out that my grandma is being resuscitated. i see ekgs being ran and there is a signal, so i think she's alive...so i calm down a little. however, the charge nurse comes out and tells me that they tried everything...but she's gone....

i know this is a bit analytical...and impartial, but i'm just trying to get down everything i remember...i remember how impersonal the nurses were. "how were you related to the patient?" they ask. "PATIENT"? Excuse me, but my grandma just died. she's not just a "patient," she's a dead human being with a past. ugh. and stop staring at me like i should have known.

anyhow, the doctor suspect she probably died of heart failure, or some sort of pneumonia along with her small bowel obstruction.

i guess it's better for her to be with Jesus. i mean, i KNOW it's better. its just the fact that there was so much i could have said to her...and it was all so sudden. wtheck? it is better for her because she won't be suffering any more...my mom can enjoy herself, and i dont know...there is a sense of relief....yet, it's all so sudden, and i just feel really numb myself. i dont really know what to do or what's going to happen...

i'm just tired. i'm glad my dog is with me. she's eating lol...and it's 3:24 am...crazy little baby...

New Life in Christ!

this is definitely how i feel right now after my experience last night at PIHOP!!! i've been wanting to go to this place for so so long..i think since i found out about it last december...after i returned from Oaxaca, and after my breakup. i knew i needed it, but somehow, life sometimes comes in the way...anyhow, i totally should have gone earlier. could have saved me a lot of moping around, sulking in my own self-pity. but maybe, like everything else in my life, it was God's timing. perhaps, yesterday was the day that God wanted me to go to PIHOP. perhaps, He intended for me to go through this past year of heartache...i don't know, but whatever the case may be, i'm just really glad i went last night.

as i sat in the worship room, i prayed that it would be life-changing. i ALSO prayed that whatever God wanted to tell me wouldn't be obscure and hard to understand. my conversation with God was literally like so: "God, please don't be obscure. just try to make it plain and simple because you tend to do this thing where you say things .. and many people just go 'HUH?!'" hahaha. i wonder if He was offended...i don't think so. lol.

everything that was said last night related to my breakup . i know everything that was said was from God because it was so healing...it was so tender and loving. PLUS, i feel TOTALLY different today. i mentioned my ex to my brother today, and felt very...emotionless. i saw his name in a notebook I received from China mission trip (which is where we met) and felt completely nothing. it was AMAZING! usually, i would feel this annoying emotion known as "nostalgia." i'm a terribly nostalgic person, which can be annoying sometimes...

last night was also transforming for me because i finally understand HOW much God loves me. i know He does. it's a fact of Christianity. much like the fact that the sky is blue, the Earth is round sort of thing. Yes, Jesus loves me so much to die for me. i KNOW this. but, i think it's also the fact that it's become so familiar to me that it's HARD for me to really feel it. but last night, last night I felt it. I heard it. it was also my first time learning that God has a maternal side, and that maternal side wants to nurture me and protect me so much. protection was something that was emphasized last night. God wants to protect me like a mother protects her child. he wants to be so gentle with me. i'm like his little baby, his little garden. i guess, i've been seeking this physical feeling of protection from the world, from guys. god can provide that for me. my heart now feels whole again...it feels full..not empty anymore. before PIHOP, my heart felt like there was holes in it and everything was leaking. but now, it feels like my heart has been bandaged up..the injuries are just scabs now.

i feel so good now. God's amazing..just like the song says, "My chains are gone, I've been set free." i feel free now, free to run! time to focus on what's important! =) time to cultivate my faith and grow more and more!!! :D

on another note, my friend said that she might be able to get me into a research lab doing Alzheimer's research at the prestigious UCSF. i'm still not sure if i'm going to take the position, granted...she eventually gets around asking her friend for me...if i do take the position, i will move to the bay for a year and postpone mcats/med school apps for another year. somehow, after what happened last night, and after a chat with my mom, i have a feeling i will end up just moving home. i really want to stay and find a good church to go to, probably go to PIHOP more (worshipped for probably 3 hours straight last night! time flew by fast though. felt like it was only an hour!), and just spend time with my bro before he is off to wherever he plans on going. i'm really praying that God will do something in his last year at home...i am worried about him, more so than my mom actually...my mom wants me to spend time with him because my family claims he is different when i'm home, livelier. it's all in God's hands though. plus, if i do stay home, i get to see my adorable dog everyday!!!! i'm loving my time at home with her! she's so cute!!! i can definitely see the love she has for me in her eyes too...when i'm home, she follows me everywhere. when i leave the house to hangout with friends, she tries to find me. lol. so cute. way better than cats (my newfound hatred)..lol

alright. i'm tired. outs!

wonder

i wonder why heartache can last for this long. i wonder why random events can trigger these feelings still. it kind of sucks honestly. random songs, random daily activities can unearth this dull, yet evident physical pain in my chest. it's really pretty pathetic. i don't really understand what this all means...being the neurobio geek i am...i actually read an article about the science behind a heartbreak lolol. apparently a heartbreak actually changes the brain chemistry...particularly in the cingulate cortex, the area responsible for pain.

funny.