perhaps the biggest difference from what i'm used to is the sudden enormous amount of free time we as a family have now. the biggest effect has been on my mom of course whose life was literally chained to my grandma's. she doesn't really know what to do next. i hope everything will be okay. this house we are living in right now is pretty big for just 3 people .. we do have tenants of course, but family-wise, it's just us 3 now. well, 2 when i leave for davis. i just hope my mom won't be too lonely. i hope my dog will be of use to her too. lol.
i'm mostly doing a whole lot better now. just sometimes, it hits me and i'll burst out crying, but i gotta stay strong. after all, my grandma is with Jesus now, and that's the best thing that can happen to her! my mom told me she saw a vision of her last night. she saw my grandma young and beautiful dressed in a pink dress. she was skipping and dancing, her face full of joy to a blurrier figure that seemed to be the Father. He was welcoming her home.
i just hate to think that i could have been a better granddaughter. i remember when she'd do number 2, i would be so annoyed and impatient with her when i had to clean/wipe her. if i was her, i'd be so hurt. first of all, exposing myself with no dignity and then treated that way by her own family. it just makes me feel terrible inside. i regret acting this way. but, i know, it's all too late for regrets now. there's absolutely no use for them anyways.
i wish i told her i love her. despite being annoyed of her most of the time, i did love her. or else, i wouldn't be this sad...i'm just happy that she's relieved now and she's having a good time. i hope she gets to eat whatever she wants because on earth, she wasn't able to. my grandma suffered a lot. she deserves a rest. i just hope i get used to this soon...i hate this empty feeling inside...i miss her. i miss her presence even though it stresses me out. i miss my grandma
all your thoughts in paragraph 2, also went through my mind tonight about your family. i'll pray for and maybe visit your mom once in a while after you go back to school..i'll also pray you don't feel too lonely being apart from your family, since you're flying back right after the funeral =/
ReplyDeletetears are healthy linda, take this time to relish being near to God. He's near the broken and contrite in heart. cry with Him, and let the holy spirit comfort you. cry with your family too, it'll bring you closer together. that's soo awesome the vision your mom saw. you can have no doubt she's with God, where she wants to be :)
i agree..that there is no reason to wish you were a "better" granddaughter..my sister struggled a lot with regrets too at having been a bad granddaughter, but how could we know? we grow up as children, selfish and needing to be taken care of rather than having to take care of others. God knows that, and no one can hold anything against you for being a child. our grandparents, sadly, only get to see us as children, but that's how life goes. we'll have all the time in heaven to redeem all that..meanwhile, i'm pretty sure she knows you love her:).