as i sat in the worship room, i prayed that it would be life-changing. i ALSO prayed that whatever God wanted to tell me wouldn't be obscure and hard to understand. my conversation with God was literally like so: "God, please don't be obscure. just try to make it plain and simple because you tend to do this thing where you say things .. and many people just go 'HUH?!'" hahaha. i wonder if He was offended...i don't think so. lol.
everything that was said last night related to my breakup . i know everything that was said was from God because it was so healing...it was so tender and loving. PLUS, i feel TOTALLY different today. i mentioned my ex to my brother today, and felt very...emotionless. i saw his name in a notebook I received from China mission trip (which is where we met) and felt completely nothing. it was AMAZING! usually, i would feel this annoying emotion known as "nostalgia." i'm a terribly nostalgic person, which can be annoying sometimes...
last night was also transforming for me because i finally understand HOW much God loves me. i know He does. it's a fact of Christianity. much like the fact that the sky is blue, the Earth is round sort of thing. Yes, Jesus loves me so much to die for me. i KNOW this. but, i think it's also the fact that it's become so familiar to me that it's HARD for me to really feel it. but last night, last night I felt it. I heard it. it was also my first time learning that God has a maternal side, and that maternal side wants to nurture me and protect me so much. protection was something that was emphasized last night. God wants to protect me like a mother protects her child. he wants to be so gentle with me. i'm like his little baby, his little garden. i guess, i've been seeking this physical feeling of protection from the world, from guys. god can provide that for me. my heart now feels whole again...it feels full..not empty anymore. before PIHOP, my heart felt like there was holes in it and everything was leaking. but now, it feels like my heart has been bandaged up..the injuries are just scabs now.
i feel so good now. God's amazing..just like the song says, "My chains are gone, I've been set free." i feel free now, free to run! time to focus on what's important! =) time to cultivate my faith and grow more and more!!! :D
on another note, my friend said that she might be able to get me into a research lab doing Alzheimer's research at the prestigious UCSF. i'm still not sure if i'm going to take the position, granted...she eventually gets around asking her friend for me...if i do take the position, i will move to the bay for a year and postpone mcats/med school apps for another year. somehow, after what happened last night, and after a chat with my mom, i have a feeling i will end up just moving home. i really want to stay and find a good church to go to, probably go to PIHOP more (worshipped for probably 3 hours straight last night! time flew by fast though. felt like it was only an hour!), and just spend time with my bro before he is off to wherever he plans on going. i'm really praying that God will do something in his last year at home...i am worried about him, more so than my mom actually...my mom wants me to spend time with him because my family claims he is different when i'm home, livelier. it's all in God's hands though. plus, if i do stay home, i get to see my adorable dog everyday!!!! i'm loving my time at home with her! she's so cute!!! i can definitely see the love she has for me in her eyes too...when i'm home, she follows me everywhere. when i leave the house to hangout with friends, she tries to find me. lol. so cute. way better than cats (my newfound hatred)..lol
alright. i'm tired. outs!
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